Year One
Day One
This is such time of unrest and uncertainty. COVID-19 has made me not trust the government, not trust the media, not trust people in general, not trust my thoughts, not trust my decisions, and not trust my own body. There are times when I blame my lack of trust and this emotional roller coaster on my depression, anxiety, and PTSD but I know that this is a sane response to the events as of late. I want to protect everyone; Remy, my parents, my family and friends, my Project friends family, anyone and everyone, and I cannot protect anyone, not even myself.
And all the f’n decisions, whether to go to work and send Remy to school (daycare), whether to go to work and leave Remy with my parents, whether to not go to work and stay home with Remy, whether to go shopping or not, whether to leave the house at all with or without Remy, whether to have Remy spend time with his grandparents or limit it, a lot of decisions seem life or death when you live with mental illness but these decisions truly are life or death and there is no definitive information to tell you which way to go and it is not your life at stake but the lives of those around you. Remy has had a cough on and off for over a month and a half now and I brought him to his pediatrician about a week after he started and he said it was a head cold with post nasal drip causing the cough. Remy didn’t cough much then or now and it is the same cough but I get afraid it might be COVID-19. My sinuses are awful when the barometric pressure changes and with the weather lately I have had a few sinus migraines and the change in temperature causes nature to start releasing things that irritate my allergies. I have had some post nasal drip and I have done a little coughing probably because of the post nasal drip and I get worried that I may have COVID-19. I worry when I feel any itch, ache, or scratch in my throat. Every time I change Remy’s diaper I use the thermometer on his changing table to check him and me to make sure we do not have a fever. I worry if we wash our hands enough and if I keep my hands away from my face enough. Having a toddler at this time creates more anxiety, Remy decided yesterday to start licking the frozen food packages when we were shopping again and I was so petrified (and frustrated), but he is a toddler and that is what they do so I put all the frozen food under the carriage and blocked him for trying to lick the rest of the food.
I am trying to keep myself and Remy busy and I am trying to keep my emotions in check for Remy and I am doing well for the most part when I am with him but when he is asleep my emotions run wild. I know this too shall pass but this is in the top five of the scariest world events of my lifetime.
Year One
This above passage is from a year ago (plus some days I am finding it hard to find the time and state of mind to write), the only constant is change, a lot in the world has changed since then but somethings have stayed the same, including how I have been feeling since pandemic day one. But since then, Remy and I quarantined a bunch of times, I have had one negative COVID test, Remy has had three negative COVID tests, and I have received my COVID vaccine. What we first thought was a sprint ended up being the world’s longest marathon and I am just trying to be a foot ahead of the collapse of the cliff I am on.
