The Sunday Blues

Sunday, Sunday Sunday…. you would think a day off from working would be easy for me, but it never is. And it is not just recently or when I became a single mom; I don’t remember a time where a Sunday was easy for me. 

On Sundays, my anxiety rages making me an irritable mess (and an irritable mom who wants to be with her son but also wants a little space at times to complete a thought and that is when the toddler decides he needs to be so close he is almost under her skin) and my depression makes me feel so tired (as does lack of sleep) and hopeless. Nowadays, it is worry about COVID, worry about Remy, worry about my family, worry about work, worry about home, worry I am not enough for all I need to do and be.

This week it was the added worry about the upcoming storm; what if I go to work and get stuck there or in an accident going home, what if the storm is earlier than I planned for, what if I call out and the storm is minimal or all rain, I will feel like I let people down if I don’t go in (which is not the case), what about Tuesday and the weather then, it circles around in my brain like a caffeine and speed addicted hamster on a wheel always running. Plus, there is an underpinning of PTSD and trauma memories just under the surface of this thin Sunday ice which helps fuel it all. If the wave of all this emotional upheaval is large enough, I tend to ride it right into Monday and beyond. This Sunday I went with my gut and called out for tomorrow, I am needed there but I know they will survive the day without me (and who knows if it will be a full day for them anyway), its not like I was doing a life saving brain surgery tomorrow, sometimes I need to keep things in perspective. I have to focus on the good and not just the bad; the good of tomorrow is I get to have a fun snow day with Remy, there is no distance learning in preschool!!