Being Human

I am human 24 hours, 7 days a week but the only time people mention it is when I make a mistake and I hate making mistakes. Part of that hate is actually a fear of making mistakes because when I did something “wrong” , in other words made a mistake , when I was abused it meant I would get hurt more than I already was.

Another part of the fear of making a mistake developed in the past four years is that if I make a mistake with Remy, he could be taken away from me, in my head I believe I am held to a higher standard because I am a single mother with mental illness. Now I know that probably isn’t the case and that I am a good mother to my son but that still lives in the back of my mind. I live with insomnia that has gotten worse during the pandemic and even worse lately (as I am typing this at 2:30am). Today my errands and appointment finished early so I decided to take a quick nap before getting Remy and set two alarms on my phone to get up. Well the next thing I remember is looking at the time and it was 15 minutes after I was supposed to pick up Remy, apparently I hit the snooze on both alarms for over an hour and 15 minutes. As I ran out the door, his school called for me and I let them know I was on my way. School was completely understanding as well as Remy (I don’t even think he noticed to be honest) but I am still angry at myself for letting it happen. And this situation isn’t the only error of mine that I hold onto in my mind.
I think part of being human is the power to forgive, the person I struggle to forgive the most is myself (I don’t forgive the man who abused me but I don’t want to or plan to and I am ok with that). I do need to get better at that part of being human and I think accepting that being human includes the capacity to make mistakes for all might help me forgive myself when I make a mistake too.