Grief in the times of COVID

I have been writing this post in my head for months. I want to start with that I am incredibly thankful for all that I have through this pandemic; Remy, my family, each person in my life whether near or far, my job, my and my family’s health, having a roof over our heads and food in our bellies, access to healthcare and mental health care (although through telehealth), I am truly blessed in my life and grateful for each thing I have. I am thankful every second of every day.

But this pandemic has brought fear, sadness, great anxiety, exhaustion, anger, frustration, confusion, loneliness, insomnia (or worsening insomnia in my case), and grief to everyone. And I can feel both thankful and all these other things at the same time. I think a cause of the loneliness and isolation, beyond quarantining and social distancing, is the unwritten social rule that you cannot talk about most things COVID related, like being quarantined for any reason other than simple cold symptoms. Remy and I have quarantined many times and he has had 3 COVID tests and I have had one, all thankfully negative and I have only posted about a few of these because although life is socially distanced and isolating we are still so intermingled with others and I only shared COVID related stuff when it resonated from Remy or myself (like when he had croup and was tested and quarantined) or I am purposely vague about it. I get a lot of support from social media, especially in times like this and it is another way COVID isolates people. I think at times I have had to lie through this pandemic and I am not talking about lying about safety things like being sick and seeing people anyway or about taking your child to the store after they were exposed to COVID, I have not and will not lie about those things to people who would be affected by it, although I may not share it on social media, the lying I am talking about is the lying about people you have gathered with and places you have gone. The one time I did share an occasion on Facebook with one person who had been tested but who didn’t live in my house a couple people questioned it, I haven’t shared other photos of gatherings or visits just to avoid the scrutiny, I am not talking about 25-50 people, just a handful of people who don’t live under the same roof. And I am quite sure that my family is not the only one who don’t talk about who they have seen.

I have been angry at the testing system and contract tracing lately and although I have been blessed to have been able to get Remy in quite quickly to the sick care that is part of his pediatrician’s practice, it has taken 3-5 days to get his results back, where the governor was exposed and she has been tested multiple times and found out quickly that she was negative. Isn’t my son’s and my life important, for some of Remy’s results meant we could stop quarantining and less days a 3 year old quarantined the better.

All the decisions you have to make especially as a parent and a single parent at that is astounding. There are seldom “little” decisions during the pandemic, they are big decisions and sometimes they come daily or even hourly on the worst days. And the big decisions don’t just affect me and Remy but my parents, my extended family, my coworkers, Remy’s friends and teachers, all the people associated with all of the above, and how will these decisions affect my beautiful boy now and in the future. Every Sunday the decisions come fast and furious (Sunday is the worse day of the week for me emotionally, especially the ANXIETY and the sadness), I even worry about sending Remy to school on a day I have off because what if he catches the coronavirus at school on a day he really didn’t have to go. I am sad all the time but can’t cry most times because I used all the tears earlier in the pandemic.

I have a lot of grief during this pandemic, you can have grief without experiencing a death of a loved one. I grieve over the suffering of others, I grieve over the relationships lost or lessened during this pandemic, I mostly grieve over how the pandemic has affected Remy and changed his childhood; being around others in masks all day at school, wearing a mask when we go out (luckily he is quite good about it but that makes me sad too), not being able to go to all the places a child can go, no in person visits with Santa, and a Zoom birthday party. So tired of trying to make the abnormal, normal for Remy, so worried that the abnormal will change him for the worst, fearful that we will never reach the point of “normal” again.

At the end of the day I feel I am letting everyone in my life down, I feel like a horrible mother, an unreliable employee, a nonexistent friend, a bad daughter, a waste of space.