The saddest thing my son says to me
“Are you happy now Momma?” are the saddest five words my son says to me. They are not always sad as sometimes Remy says them when he is acting out and I took away something and he is hoping to get it back. They are sad to me when life is overwhelming me and I get upset over a little thing because I know I was outwardly upset and Remy picked up on it.
Remy is empathic like me and he can pick up other people’s emotions, even when they are not outwardly obvious. There have been days Remy has been extra “3” and I have told him multiple times to do something (or not to do something) and after awhile I get frustrated and cry (especially if it has been a long day already), none of my words get his attention but a real tear gets his attention every time. He gets attentive and wants me to be happy. But I don’t want this weight of my mental illness to drag him down, I don’t want him to feel my sadness, depression, anxiety is in any way his fault, I don’t want him to feel responsible for making all those better. I know it is good to show my son it is ok to be sad, angry, worried (as well as happy, silly and love) by letting him see my feelings come out but how much is too much or too little (I do put a mask on at times too to “protect” him from all that I feel).
I hope that I am doing the best by my son, especially in the area of my mental illness. When he says “are you happy now Momma”, I do feel sadder than I did originally but I also take a moment and try to make it a teachable moment, I let him know it is ok to feel sad (or whatever it was) and explain to him that it wasn’t his fault and in terms he will understand, why I was feeling that way. Sometimes I try to problem solve with him ways I can feel better. I emphasize that it is ok to cry when I do it so when he cries it is ok too (and in a world where adults reprimand boys not to cry, I feel that it is so important for Remy to know that it is ok).
Parenting, single parenting especially, is hard enough, parenting during a pandemic is enormously difficult, single parenting during a pandemic living with mental illness feels next to impossible some days, but just being Remy’s momma makes it all worthwhile.
